Every Child Is Different

“Every kid is different”. You’ve probably heard it a million times. If you have more than one child, you’ve probably seen it in your own home.


What accounts for these differences between children? Family therapists often point out that every child is born into a different family. The family that child number two enters is different from the family that welcomed child number one into the world. The “nurture” side (environment) of that old Nature-Nurture debate changes as the family changes.

Perhaps even more important is what child specialists and therapists call “temperament”. Temperament (nature) describes how a child approaches and reacts to the world- a personal "style." It is largely inborn , so that one child may be the energizer bunny while another may seem almost always calm. Most parents instinctively understand that their kids have different temperaments, but this can become confusing when we try to create consistency in our rules and expectations.

It’s helpful to consider a child’s temperament when thinking about his or her social/emotional development. If we have identical expectations of every child, we are likely to run into unnecessary frustration- for ourselves as parents, and for our children. The highly responsible oldest child may need permission to ease up and have some fun, while the youngest, less diligent child is likely to need more reminders to plan ahead for work and projects. In education, teachers often adapt their teaching style and expectations in order to respond to the different needs of different children. Known as Differentiated Instruction, this is a widely recognized educational technique, helping teachers succeed with students who may be different by temperament or ability. A similar technique can be helpful when dealing with our child’s social/emotional needs. What is helpful for Johnny may be different from what Jane needs.

“But that’s not fair!” This is what parents (or teachers) are likely to hear from kids who complain that a sibling or peer is being treated differently. Parents can easily fall into the trap of thinking they must treat every child identically. When this proves impractical, a frustrated parent will often resort to that old standby “Because I said so!”, an answer that doesn’t help a child learn to accept the fact that fairness isn’t always possible.

When children insist that being “fair” means treating everyone the same, it’s helpful to remind them that “fair” is different from “the same”. As one educator puts it, “We don’t make everyone wear the same size shoes. I wouldn’t make a kid who needs a size 8 wear a size 6. That wouldn’t be fair”. This logic is obvious to even young children, and can be useful in ending the “fairness” complaint.

Obviously, we don’t want to apply rules randomly, since this undermines our authority. But, it can be helpful to remember the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds”.